039: Emotional Regulation – The Key to Building Connected Relationships with Manisha Tare

Manisha Tare

Manisha Tare is an Embodiment Coach and Mentor for Highly Sensitive Women. She utilizes a trauma informed, somatic approach to help them regulate their emotions and stop people pleasing so they feel confident setting boundaries and speaking up for themselves in relationships.

💝 Key Takeaways

  • The importance of mindfulness in being more present in our relationships.
  • How understanding our emotions helps us navigate difficult conversations.
  • How knowing your needs allows you to set boundaries and build healthier relationships.
  • The things that are unique to Highly Sensitive People with regard to emotional regulation.

📚 Resources Mentioned

🔗 Where You Can Find Manisha

🌹 Rose’s Resources

📖 (Imperfect) Transcript

We use Descript to provide this transcript which isn’t always perfect but wonderful all the same. (affiliate link 😃)

Rose: Hey, it’s Rose and welcome to another episode on the Sensitive CEO Show. And in this week’s episode, I’m very excited to introduce my guest Manisha Tare. And Manisha is an embodiment coach and mentor for highly sensitive women. Welcome Manisha. It’s wonderful to talk with you today.

Manisha: Oh, thank you so much for having me.

Rose: I would love for you to share your background and what brought you into the space of coaching and mentoring Manisha?

Manisha: Oh my gosh. The, it feels like this is such a long story, but I’m gonna make it succinct. I was just sharing this earlier today, and again, I’m really happy to be here and have this conversation with you.

Currently the work I do is around somatic healing and supporting people in their relationships. And if I look back on my own journey, I always have worked with initially children with sensitive nervous systems because I worked with children with developmental delays and kids on the autism spectrum, and always, there’s always some sensory component to it.

And then as I kind of continued my career, I studied yoga and meditation and realized that I also had a very sensitive nervous system. And I did not realize for many years that I was gravitating towards all of these things to support myself as well. And then, of course, also support my students and clients.

And as I continued on my own journey with working with children and also working with adults through yoga, I got into studying this body work called cranial therapy, which is all about supporting people’s nervous systems. And so clearly there’s a massive theme here, and as I continued to do that work, it really became obvious that I was helping people to release a trauma that was stored in their bodies, but also to help them simultaneously regulate their nervous system.

And then what they continuously came to me with were things around relationships like bumping into conflict and not knowing how to navigate it. And so we would work on things like boundaries, but also regulating their nervous system. And so over time I started to shift my approach to working with folks online and really taking them through these like different guided practices.

And healing work so that they could really get to the core and origin stories around like what was going on? Why were they showing up in relationships in their current experience in a particular way, but really helping them kind of trace it back to where it all started. And then healing some of those like early experiences really through helping them connect in with their bodies and their sensations.

Anxiety and yeah, bringing them to a place of like regulation around that.

Rose: Wow. I love that and I love that you specialize in highly sensitive women as well. Was that a choice that you made because you are also highly sensitive, or did you just happen to fall into that?

Manisha: I think it’s a probably combination. I, I think that I, I suspect you might have a similar experience as we sort of draw to people, you know, we draw people to us who are similar to how we are because they can relate to us on a certain level. And I think once I started to really identify. Someone with a sensitive nervous system. I started to recognize that more and more in the people who came to me.

So it just kind of made sense to focus on that because it’s something that I deeply understand. and I think that it’s, you know it, I think if people find so much relief in working with somebody who understands that, because so many people don’t. And so to be able to meet people in that way really energetically is so powerful.

Rose: Yeah, definitely. And I, I know we share the same one-on-one coach who’s also highly sensitive and introverted. Absolutely makes such a difference. I’ve worked with coaches before and. When they don’t understand us and our nervous system and how our energy gets affected even by its full moon the day that we’re recording, well, in Australia it’s a full moon.

It’s full moon for you tomorrow. Yes. but we, yeah, we get so affected. So I think to work with someone who is very similar to us and who understands us makes such a

Manisha: difference. Yeah. And, and if I could, I, I really have worked with, so many people who they realize that as they reflect back on some of their childhoods, even though, you know, their parents were loving and cared for them and, and all of these things, they.

Finally recognized that there was kind of a misattunement between like their parents’ temperament or how they were approached or heard or listened to or spoken to and the way that they received it. And so for someone who is sensitive, that can have a much larger impact than on somebody who isn’t. And so while maybe to the general population that might not really make sense, like when you’re that attuned to have somebody who’s like really misattuned to you can feel quite harsh and really have a long-term impact.

Rose: Yeah, and it can make you feel very alienated in some ways as well. Would you agree with that?

Manisha: I think so. I mean, I think that is probably, I would probably say that’s a result of just feeling like unseen and, and unheard or, you know, not, not fully, like if someone, you don’t feel like someone is fully hearing you or getting you.

I think, yeah, natural consequences to, to feel alienated or isolated or misunderstood. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

Rose: Can we talk about the importance of mindfulness and being more present in our relationships?

Manisha: Yeah, absolutely. So one of my early kind of, I was drawn very much to yoga and meditation, and I think that was partially because I just wanted to feel more grounded and more connected and more calm.

And if I really look back on that now from my lens now, I think I often felt kind of reactive or reactionary in relationships and. so The mindfulness or the meditation or yoga or however, when chooses to practice it, cuz there’s lots of different ways I think can help us really slow down and start to notice some of those reactions and those like triggers and those irritations and all of these types of things that maybe come up for us because we have some sensitivities and we’re really sensing ob, we are just sensing things in a more heightened way.

And I have found that mindfulness can be so helpful to slow us down to help us see and recognize some of those patterns instead of just kind of going right into that reaction. So the slowing down pieces felt really, really important there.

Rose: And when you talk about mindfulness, so you talking specifically about meditation or just mindfulness as a daily practice.

Manisha: You know, I think it can, can look a lot of different ways because to me mindfulness is, can certainly be a formal practice of meditation. I mean, it can also be tuning in words to notice what’s happening in our bodies and in our minds in terms of what are our thoughts and if we notice our thoughts, like is something, did something happen right before that triggered that?

And did something happen right before that? That was actually a sensation in our body that we didn’t realize. It’s like having this little effect, this little ripple effect, and when we, yeah, do anything that helps us really slow down, whether it’s like a yoga practice or a Tai Chi practice or some other martial arts practice.

And at tune inwards, I think it can give us these clues about, like a lot of things are actually happening before we have that like full blown external reaction. And so to me, mindfulness is really anything that helps us like slow down and turn inside and start to notice some of those more subtle experiences.

Rose: I, it reminds me when I did my coach training a few years ago with the Human Potential Institute. We had a mindfulness module. Well, it was a whole course actually, so we did quite a. in-depth study of mindfulness. And one of the things which I loved, I always remember is eating. So we use the various senses, but the one I remember the most was eating and I chose a goji berry, which I often have in my breakfast mix.

This tiny little goji berry, I took probably five minutes to eat it and it started with smelling it and then licking it and then looking at the color and it was, it was just amazing. And it really made me realize how important it is to be mindful when you are eating. I mean, how many times do we eat?

I’m guilty of this, say. Have my lunch when I’m watching a training video or something that I want to learn and I think I should actually just put all the devices away and just be mindful and actually think about what I’m eating.

Manisha: Mm-hmm. Yeah, that’s such a perfect example cuz it’s something I also am guilty of doing that at the same time as something else.

And. Really think about it. I’m like, did I like really fully taste that? Or you know, did I just, yeah, chew and swallow and carry on? Mm-hmm.

Rose: Yeah. It’s funny, isn’t it? We know these things deep down, and yet we’re both, both guilty of it sometimes, but not all the time. Not all the time. At least we’re aware.

Manisha: Exactly. Exactly.

Rose: So how does understanding our emotions help us to navigate those difficult conversations that can come up?

Manisha: Yeah, so I, I think it’s sort of the second or the, the next layer, like, to mindfulness. So we’re be, we become more intentional and mindful and start to notice like some of those thoughts, some of what happens before the thoughts, some of the sensations, and then we can.

Start to make these connections around like, oh, if I have this like knot in my stomach, maybe there’s like an anxious feeling there. And then maybe there’s this other reaction that happens, like when I’m having this conversation. So for so many people, as an example, if they wanna say something that may be really difficult to say.

They might have that pit in their stomach initially because they’re kind of thinking about it and figuring it out and feeling a little nervous. And then they get to their, their person, you know, whoever they’re talking to. And they might start to speak, but then maybe their throat closes up a little bit or they feel some tears behind their eyes and nothing really comes out.

Or maybe tears come out or. And I’m describing it in this way because you know, things sometimes those are the things that block us from actually speaking and saying what’s really like in our hearts and in our minds or, or whatever it is that we want. And so when we can understand some of those tendencies or patterns within us, like the example I just shared, that person might need to do a little bit of work.

Beforehand to really move some of that emotion through before they can get to a place where they can clearly have that conversation. Or they might need to, do some work around like, what is this like anxious feeling in my stomach? Like, what, what, why is it. Getting curious, like, what is it about my throat that starts to close?

Like what is, is there a fear there? Is there something there? So that might be some of the mental work. And then you might do some of the, the nervous system or the physiological work around that. And so, you know, when we can start to see those patterns and notice our emotions, we can see maybe what’s blocking us from having the conversation and.

It can pinpoint us maybe to some of the work we can do on our own to then go back and actually have the conversation.

Rose: And what would be one or two physiological processes that people could do?

Manisha: Yeah, so I, you know, when I work with clients, I’ll just share that briefly, but then I’ll share what someone can do, certainly on their own.

But if the person feels, so when I work with a client, I. Have them share a little bit of that experience of what they were, what they were gonna say, what happened, how they felt. And then what I helped them do is like slow down the whole emotional and sensation piece because it’s really hard to do that on our own.

Because if we have a fear, if we are anxious, we’re gonna move through that quickly because who wants to sit there and feel that, right? Like nobody, including myself. So when I’m with somebody, I will like really help them slow that down. But if someone’s listening to this and they feel like, okay, I wanna explore this, and this particular issue feels safe enough to explore, and I use the word safe because sometimes.

You know, you might hit up against some trauma and you might feel like, this doesn’t really feel safe for me to do this by myself. I really need to work with a professional or have somebody else in the space with me. But if someone’s listening to this and thinks, you know, they’re like, okay, I can, I’ve worked with this before a little bit.

I just wanna sit and explore. I would really invite them to like set a timer for like five or seven minutes or something and just kind of bring themselves back into the experience where they maybe tried to say something but couldn’t. And if they feel safe or comfortable to close their eyes and just notice what’s coming up.

Because sometimes we’ll notice the different sensations. Like some, we feel like the pit in our stomach, but then if we really tune in, we might also notice, oh, I also feel a little tightening in my chest and Oh, interesting. I’m actually feeling a little bit of sadness here. What? What’s that about? Let me get curious.

And they might. Notice some tears flowing, and so you kind of get to move some of that emotion so that it doesn’t sort of all show up and like block the expression in the moment that you’re trying to have a conversation. So if people feel comfortable, they can Absolutely, I would say set a timer and kind of invite themselves to explore like what sensations are coming up in my body and what emotions are coming up for.

Rose: Yeah. I love that. So having that awareness within their body, they’re really embodying it and mm-hmm. Getting into that feeling and yeah, that’s, and it’s such a gentle approach. I like that.

Manisha: Yeah. Yeah. And I think sometimes, and I am so guilty of this too, it’s so easy to think about something and overthink about something.

Yeah. I think especially as people who are sensitive, like I’m definitely guilty of overthinking. And then you kind of just get wrapped around your own thoughts and, and so when you stop all of that and say, I’m just gonna feel this and I’m not gonna think about it, I think it’s really kind of interesting, to see what comes up.

And there’s really never been a time that if I, when I’ve done that for myself, that like some emotion hasn’t moved through me and I haven’t felt lighter on the other. Yeah.

Rose: Yeah. So Manisha, how does knowing your needs allow you to set boundaries so you can build those healthier relationships?

Manisha: Yeah, this is, definitely one of my favorite topics and also like work in progress, but, I really find that when we don’t know what we need, we can’t ask for it from anybody else.

And so part. Boundaries is I think setting up those like structures and solid healthy containers for ourselves in terms of how much quiet time do I need or how much space do I need in between tasks or can I do this for somebody or can I not? Or can I go to this party or can I not? Or can you know, so, but if we don’t know that I need a certain amount of downtime or quiet time, or I actually need some movement, Like we really can’t ask for the time and space, like from somebody that we’re maybe living with or making sure our client’s schedule is set up in such a way that allows for that space or having a conversation with a family member to, to be very confident in saying, you know, I know you need some help right now with X, Y, Z, but like, I really need to.

You know, get a run in before I do that for you, because I know that when I do that I’m gonna feel so much better and I’m gonna be so much more present and that’s just gonna be like better for everybody involved. But like, when we don’t know that about ourselves, we. Can’t ask for it. And then we kind of, you know, I think get sucked into like, yes, yes, yes, yes.

And then we’re depleted and drained and probably cranky and, you know, maybe doing things or saying things on our relationships that we have to clean up later. And so in order to avoid all that, I think is taking the time to get to know ourselves, you know, and it’s a wor it’s like a, I was gonna say it’s an evolution because what we needed six months ago might not be, be what we need now and.

A few months from now, that might shift as well. So I think it’s a constant learning.

Rose: Yeah, I totally agree. And I, I look back to my younger self even, even two years ago. My boundaries that I had then are so different to the boundaries that I have now. I think the more I learn, the more I grow, I learn to set more structured boundaries in some ways. Yeah. It’s a huge difference.

Manisha: Yeah, and I, I think like when we start to do certain things or trial and error and we feel better after a certain thing, it just reinforces that, right? It like makes it easier to set the next time because we’re like, oh, I felt it felt so good when I did it that time. Like, that works for me.

Rose: Yeah, I love the trial and error. That’s a good way to do it. Definitely. So what have you seen that’s unique to highly sensitive people with regard to emotional regulation? Manisha?

Manisha: Yeah, so this is such a, I love this, topic and question because I think when we are highly sensitive, And before we’ve sort of learned how to navigate that, it’s really easy to take on the emotions of other people or absorb the energy in the room and you know, just being somebody who’s empathic and highly sensitive.

I definitely continue to watch for that, even though. This is the work I do, you know, but if I go into a room and there’s like a high level of tension or something’s going on, I’m like, oh, interesting. Like, I’m feeling all this and then I have to very, consciously be like, oh, and I’m not taking any of that on.

It’s not mine. This is the other person’s. And so, when. We are highly sensitive and we don’t recognize that yet. I think if you absorb or take that on, then it’s really emotional regulation becomes difficult because if we don’t know what’s our emotion and what’s somebody else’s emotion, how are we gonna regulate that, right?

Or maybe we’re trying to regulate something that’s not ours and so that doesn’t work either and, and how I’ve seen that kind of go sideways is then maybe people try to control somebody else’s behavior. Without realizing that their real intention is because they don’t wanna feel that other person’s discomfort.

And that can get very, very tricky in relationships. And so when we do some of that work to recognize our needs and set some of those boundaries and really find a healthy separation between ourselves and other people, then we know it’s ours. We know it’s somebody else. And then we can, you know, do the work to like regulate ourselves and actually see the benefits from that.

Rose: Love it, that’s so much wonderful advice. Thank you Manisha. I have one last question before I let you go, that I ask all of my podcast guests. When you feel overwhelmed or unfocused, what do you do?

Manisha: Okay, so there’s actually two things. One, and there are two very, very different things. So one of them is.

That I will lay down for 15 minutes, 15 to 20 minutes, and I will actually listen to, like Schumann’s resonance, like one of these, you know, like on Spotify or, you know, I’ll just, or YouTube, I’ll just find something. It’s like the earth frequency. And I will just listen to that and there is something that’s so settling for me in that to lay down and just listen to that for like 15 or 20 minutes and then I like can get up and I feel like a totally different person.

So that’s one thing and the complete opposite, that if I have time I will go for a short run and running is like new in my like toolbox. but that has really also helped, I think it gets the energy out and that movement piece really supports just being able to really tune into your body and like focus on that and kind of clear your mind. So those were my two.

Rose: I love both of those. And have you got a link for the Schumann’s frequency that I can pop in the show notes? Cause I’m sure people would love Yeah, I’d love that. I’d love that too. And I’m sure my audience. Wonderful. Well thank you again for. All the wonderful advice you’ve shared today, Manisha.

And where can people find you? I will pop all of your links in the show notes, but where, what’s the most, or the one place that you’d like people to go to? Yeah,

Manisha: So I also have a podcast, and so the podcast is called The Transform Your Relationship Podcast, and I do solo episodes where I talk about all things boundaries and being highly sensitive and all of that stuff. And I also have great guests who have different modalities that support people in their relationships. So that’s a great place to find me. It’s on all of the different platforms. and then I’m also on Instagram just under my name if people wanna reach out and connect.

Rose: Wonderful. And I love your podcast. I listen to it on my morning walks. It’s on my lists. I love it. But thank you so much and lovely to connect as always.

Manisha: Yes, it was great to see you. Thanks, Rose.

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